Conan The Barbarian

Today's review is of Conan The Barbarian. No not the 1982 version but the 2011 version. The story of Conan is simple. After his village and father is slaughtered, Conan sets out to avenge his death. In doing so he finds that the man who slaughtered his village is attempting to find a pureblood so that he may restore an ancient mask, bring his dead wife back to life and take over the world. Now i never saw the 1982 version so i can't compare it to that or say it ripped of this and changed that. I can't do that. I do know that if your are looking for a mindless action movie where you can turn off your brain for two hours, this is it. There is a lot of blood but appears to be mostly cgi and nothing too gruesome. There is nudity in a couple of scenes mainly women walking around topless but there is a sex scene between Conan and the pureblood women he rescues. Cast is nothing spectacular the biggest star is Rose McGowan playing the King's daughter. Playing the King is Stephen Lang. You might remember him from such films as Avatar and the TV show Terra Nova. The pureblood priestess is played by Rachel Nichols who played a green alien chick in the new Star Trek movie. Conan's daddy is played by the always wonderful Ron Pearlman. Him you know from such movies as Blade 2, Hellboy, but mainly nowadays for playing the role of Clay Morrow on FX's hit show Sons Of Anarchy. I know i haven't said who played Conan yet but thats because we are talking about an actor who has to fill the shoes of Arnold Schwarzenegger. To fill said shoes they cast Jason Momoa. I know what your thinking: who? I think his biggest role was Stargate: Atlantis and Game of Thrones. While he may not be as muscular is Arnie, Momoa does have the right look. In fact don't expect this to be like Arnie's version. Despite what some people say it is not a remake. It is a reboot that a few years from now will have another reboot. If you haven't seen the original you might enjoy it but if you have seen it, your going to spend your time comparing the two movies. Therefore its time for the score. I gotta give it probably a 6/10. Its not too great but not too bad either. So enjoy the blood, the fights, and the topless women.

Fast Five

Ok so i'm a few days late in posting this but todays review is of the movie Fast Five, starring Vin Diesel, Jordana Brewster, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and the white guy from the other movies. The premise is quite simply after breaking out Vin Diesel out of a prison bus the group goes down to Rio to hide from the cops. Naturally things don't go as planned and they find themselves wanted by the most powerful crime lord in Brazil but also by DSS agent, The Rock. The group stages the plan to steal all of the crime lords money out of the police safe that he controls. First and foremost I can't stand Vin Diesel. I consider him to be a no talent hack, who's only good movie was Saving Private Ryan but that's only because he gets killed early on. Second, I literally I have no idea who the white guy is. I know he has been in the others but I have no idea who he is. If you're looking for a movie with alot of driving this surely isn't it. Oh but what about the end chase scene? Ok that was good but how about explaining how the two cars were able to not only pull a ten ton safe out of a wall but also drag it across Rio. And what was with the out of the blue romances. The asian dude and the hot chick barely had any scenes together, showed little chemistry and then hooked up in the end. Of course that isn't the worse one. No that goes to Vin Diesel and the hot Brazilian cop. That made the least amount of sense. Now for Rock vs. Diesel and by Diesel I mean Vin not the wrestler. Through the entire movie this is want I wanted to see, The Rock kicking Vin Diesel's ass. Sadly it wasn't as good as I was hoping but I think in real life The Rock would have won with one arm tied behind his back. Now I did not realize this but this movie actually takes place before Tokyo Drift, which I haven't seen. And who knew Rio is filled with poor people, criminals, corrupt cops and hot chicks in bikinis. So its kinda like Detroit but with out the hot chicks in bikinis. Now for the score. I gotta give it a 6.5/10. If you want a mindless movie where you can turn your brain off, you've found it. Oh and the white guys name: Paul Walker, I had to look that up.