Eve of Understanding

Ok this isn't a normal review. I only watched the first 15 minutes of this "movie". I have no clue who any of the actors are. I think the story is something about a women going to the Grand Canyon and dumping her dad's ashes. I think. Essentially this is one of those movies they show on lifetime or oxygen or any other women's channels. The only reason I even watched this was because I happen to know window washed #1. It's either #1 or #2. There is also probably the mildest sex scene ever. Overall on the Marty's scale I give it a 2.5/10. And that's only because I know someone in the movie otherwise 0/10.

Conan The Barbarian

Today's review is of Conan The Barbarian. No not the 1982 version but the 2011 version. The story of Conan is simple. After his village and father is slaughtered, Conan sets out to avenge his death. In doing so he finds that the man who slaughtered his village is attempting to find a pureblood so that he may restore an ancient mask, bring his dead wife back to life and take over the world. Now i never saw the 1982 version so i can't compare it to that or say it ripped of this and changed that. I can't do that. I do know that if your are looking for a mindless action movie where you can turn off your brain for two hours, this is it. There is a lot of blood but appears to be mostly cgi and nothing too gruesome. There is nudity in a couple of scenes mainly women walking around topless but there is a sex scene between Conan and the pureblood women he rescues. Cast is nothing spectacular the biggest star is Rose McGowan playing the King's daughter. Playing the King is Stephen Lang. You might remember him from such films as Avatar and the TV show Terra Nova. The pureblood priestess is played by Rachel Nichols who played a green alien chick in the new Star Trek movie. Conan's daddy is played by the always wonderful Ron Pearlman. Him you know from such movies as Blade 2, Hellboy, but mainly nowadays for playing the role of Clay Morrow on FX's hit show Sons Of Anarchy. I know i haven't said who played Conan yet but thats because we are talking about an actor who has to fill the shoes of Arnold Schwarzenegger. To fill said shoes they cast Jason Momoa. I know what your thinking: who? I think his biggest role was Stargate: Atlantis and Game of Thrones. While he may not be as muscular is Arnie, Momoa does have the right look. In fact don't expect this to be like Arnie's version. Despite what some people say it is not a remake. It is a reboot that a few years from now will have another reboot. If you haven't seen the original you might enjoy it but if you have seen it, your going to spend your time comparing the two movies. Therefore its time for the score. I gotta give it probably a 6/10. Its not too great but not too bad either. So enjoy the blood, the fights, and the topless women.

Fast Five

Ok so i'm a few days late in posting this but todays review is of the movie Fast Five, starring Vin Diesel, Jordana Brewster, Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, and the white guy from the other movies. The premise is quite simply after breaking out Vin Diesel out of a prison bus the group goes down to Rio to hide from the cops. Naturally things don't go as planned and they find themselves wanted by the most powerful crime lord in Brazil but also by DSS agent, The Rock. The group stages the plan to steal all of the crime lords money out of the police safe that he controls. First and foremost I can't stand Vin Diesel. I consider him to be a no talent hack, who's only good movie was Saving Private Ryan but that's only because he gets killed early on. Second, I literally I have no idea who the white guy is. I know he has been in the others but I have no idea who he is. If you're looking for a movie with alot of driving this surely isn't it. Oh but what about the end chase scene? Ok that was good but how about explaining how the two cars were able to not only pull a ten ton safe out of a wall but also drag it across Rio. And what was with the out of the blue romances. The asian dude and the hot chick barely had any scenes together, showed little chemistry and then hooked up in the end. Of course that isn't the worse one. No that goes to Vin Diesel and the hot Brazilian cop. That made the least amount of sense. Now for Rock vs. Diesel and by Diesel I mean Vin not the wrestler. Through the entire movie this is want I wanted to see, The Rock kicking Vin Diesel's ass. Sadly it wasn't as good as I was hoping but I think in real life The Rock would have won with one arm tied behind his back. Now I did not realize this but this movie actually takes place before Tokyo Drift, which I haven't seen. And who knew Rio is filled with poor people, criminals, corrupt cops and hot chicks in bikinis. So its kinda like Detroit but with out the hot chicks in bikinis. Now for the score. I gotta give it a 6.5/10. If you want a mindless movie where you can turn your brain off, you've found it. Oh and the white guys name: Paul Walker, I had to look that up.

The Black Dahlia

In this review i might have to hold a little history lesson because this review is for The Black Dahlia. The movie is based off the book which is inspired by the story of The Black Dahlia murder. For those that don't know The Black Dahlia was the nickname given to Elizabeth Short who was brutally murdered and mutilated by an unknown killer that has remained unsolved since 1947. I won't give you the details of the murder, i'll let you look that one up yourself. The movie only uses the murder more as a side story instead of the main story. The main story follows two LAPD cops as they investigate the murder and and one ultimately falls in love with the others girlfriend. With all star cast that includes Aaron Eckhart, Josh Hartnett, Hilary Swank, and Scarlett Johansson, this movie falls flat of what could have been a good movie. The only stand out performance in the entire film is that of Mia Kirshner who plays Elizabeth Short. Seen only in audition and sex tapes, Kirshner cares the movie with her minor role. The movie could and should have used a fake murder instead of relying on a historical murder. In the end they use a non existent suspect instead of one of the many potential suspects. I was definitely expected more since this is the only movie about the Black Dahlia. You might like this movie if you enjoy film noir or the video game L.A. Noir, which did a better job with the story, otherwise you will be very disappointed with the movie. Like i was. I will say this though Mia Kirshner deserved some kind of recognition from the Academy Awards. After all the biggest things she is known for is starring on The L-Word and as naked, bisexual assassin Mandy on 24. Also i have never found Hilary Swank to be pretty but i must admit she was very pretty in this movie. Instead of watching this movie i recommend you watch Gangs Of New York, which i haven't seen but is supposed to be really good. One last thing whats sad about this movie is that it is based off a book written by the same guy who wrote LA Confidential, which was a good movie. So watch that instead of Gangs of New York or watch both. But this one i gotta give 3.5/10.

The Sniper

Okay gonna do a flashback here to the year 1993 for the movie The Sniper starring Tom Berenger and Billy Zane. Tom Bereneger known for Major League and Billy Zane known for being the jerk of a fiance to Kate Winslet in Titanic. Story follows United State Marine Sniper Thomas Beckett and Swat Sharpshooter Richard Miller as they attempt to assassinate a Panamanian general. The inexperienced Miller must overcome his hesitancy of actually killing someone to achieve the mission. When only half the mission is complete Beckett decides to stay in finish the mission alone after a new deadly fight with Miller. Miller returns only to find that Beckett has been captured and his being tortured. In the end Miller saves Beckett and they both manage to escape from the jungle alive. While the movies doesn't go into a lot of detail on how to actually be a sniper it is a very enjoyable movie. If your wanting something that will teach you watch the beginning of Shooter and if your looking for something light this is definitely not for you. While it is an action movie there isn't a whole lot of action and what action there is, is spread throughout the movie. So if you dig action or military movies this is a good watch. Overall score 7.5/10

Scream 4

You can tell a lot about a movie by the opening scene. The are great ones like the beginning of Jaws and bad ones like the beginning of Batman and Robin. Well this beginning of this one definitely falls with the latter. When you start a movie inside a movie you know its gonna be bad. What was supposed to be the start of a new trilogy for new generation it fails big time. The survivor of the original trilogy returns to her hometown and the killings start happening again. All the new people die and all the old people survive. Since this is the fourth they have to reinvent the horror movie trilogy rules. That has always been the biggest problem with this series, you don't need to acknowledge horror movie rules without taking something away from your movie. Since i've spoiled the ending for one person i'll do it for everyone else. The killer was the cousin. She wanted to be famous and instead of making a sex tape like everyone else does she decides to kill everyone and make herself look like the lone survivor. Maybe i'm just being biased because i don't like horror movies usually and i thought it was stupid to make a fourth movie ten years after the last. Due to all the talk of the rules of horror movies and that the rules from the previous movies are no longer valid, it feels like they were breaking the fourth wall. What once had the potential to be a promising movie series has just fallen to cliche and shows why its best just to make one great horror movie and stop there. If you want a good horror movie watch something old school, not this piece of #%$! Score rating of 3/10.

Artctic Blast

Next up we have the movie Arctic Blast. In Arctic Blast a solar eclipse opens a rift in the ozone layer just off the coast of Australia. Well the cold air of the mesosphere comes down like a funnel freezing anything it touches. Essentially this movie is like The Day After Tomorrow but with no big name stars, cheap special effects and a budget of about $150. Starring in this movie is Michael Shanks who is famous for playing Dr. Daniel Jackson on Stargate Sg-1 and Bruce Davidson who played the Senator in X-Men. Give this one a skip and just watch The Day After Tomorrow. 4/10